Preludes And Nocturnes

I’m seeing a therapist to help with some anxiety that went off the charts when Malcolm got sick - and that is not doing much better the past week as I had a very short pregnancy that did not stick.  Really really short, but long enough to really fuck up my hormones.  It was like super-charged PMS carrying a baseball bat.

So, she is a good therapist and I like her.  We’ve been talking about trying to hang out a bit more in the now.  It is strange, though, as she’s trying to address my multi-tasking when I think my multi-tasking is all that is keeping me afloat.  This led to her making some comments about my quest for perfection (I guess my reply that perfectionists are much more on-the-ball than I am was not proof that I’m not a perfectionist) and my belief that if “I just work a bit harder things would all be taken care of.”  See, I am SO not a perfectionist as I just let myself end a sentence with a preposition.  Nyah.

Yeah, so, um balance.  She talks a whole lot about balance.  And I find this tough right now.  Jim has been working all summer in Kamloops so he’s gone Monday morning through to Thursday night.  I have been working 2-3 days a week as well.  Malcolm is in 2 days of daycare a week. I think this is pretty tough, and I find that “me time” or “self care” kinda flies out the window when the going gets rough.  My task these past few weeks has been to try to reassess my priorities to find better balance.

I (of course) think that if I just work on not wasting so much time on stupid stuff then I could keep doing everything that needs doing AND have more self-care time.  But I’m just not sure how to get rid of the time wasting stuff.  And I’m not sure that it is wasting time.  Surfing the web seems stupid after the fact - but when Jim is gone (especially) I need my online connections to keep me sane.  Malcolm is going to bed later now (more in the 9pm range) so I maybe get 2hrs to prep lunches/bags for the next day, do some school prep and marking, Facebook, Forums, email, and then a bit of TV.

But I really don’t like mommy  martyrdom.  I rail against it.  “Oh, I can only get 3hrs of sleep a night because I’m a mom.” or “Oh, I can only eat three peas a day because I’m a mom.”  or whatever.  I mean, I do GET IT.  Being a parent is OTT hard and I feel mighty sorry for myself a whole lot of the time.  Especially when Jim is away.  But I’m not sure I was that great at self care before I was a mom either.

Anyhoo, I’m working on doing more self-care when Malcolm is awake.  I can’t prep when he is awake because it just doesn’t work.  I do most of my house tasks with him.. but since I’m trying to shift priorities, I’ll aim for more ME things with him.  This meant tonight we did yoga together.

No, not quite the zen event it can be when done on my own.. but it was a  real trip regardless.  And then we got him ready for bed and he read stories to his trains in bed while I had my bath. I’ll call this a win.

Sorry guys.  I want to blog.  I miss you all  - I miss bloggig and the whole “me and you” of blogging.

Things are just fine. Malcolm is fine.  Jim and I have taken a while to recover -but we’re good. Thanks so much for your comments on the last post.  It was horrible, and it was really kind of you all to send love. It was good to come back and read what you all said.

So I thought I’d start off a new post and share my two “dear god I’m a retard” moments of the past month.  Tonight I stood in the front yard spending the 40 minutes it takes to water my front yard flowers (bunch of pots… not bunch off knobs), my two lilacs, my wizzled poppy, my front perennial bed.  Not a crazy amount to water, but the water pressure out front is horrid.  I end up setting up the sprayer and then going to the backyard to fill the watering can since the pressure is good back there.  So then I end up not watering the front because it takes so long.  Things are pretty hot here these days - stuff is wilting (frying).  By the time I get M to bed I don’t want to go spend the time (and worry he’s away, crying, and I’m not hearing).  And I don’t feel good doing it when he’s up b/c it is too long for him to hang in the living room.  Obviously too long for him out front with me as he gets bored and wants to run in traffic.

Tonight I found out I had the nozzle turned down to one notch above “off”.  No, it didn’t actually say off - but the graphic was backwards to me.  I THOUGHT I had fiddled about with that nozzle way back when - obviously not.  Turned it up and hell yeah, I’ll get the watering done in 90 seconds from now on.

Long term win, short term “DOH!”

Item number two?

For over two years I’ve been watering an indoor plant that is, in fact, fake.

It was a gift.

Oh yeah, I’m a rock star of gardening.