Preludes And Nocturnes

WTF?!

Okay, malcolm goes to daycare tomorrow. This is standard. Wednesdays and Thursdays he goes to daycare as I teach the one day and work/errands the other.  Jim is gone those two days this past semester.

So tonight I suddenly get an attack of the guilts and decide I’m a shit mom for taking him to daycare tomorrow because I have a long weekend and have both Friday and Monday off.  Now, I have 100+ papers just handed in today, I have three final exams to write and send to the printers, and I need to take the car into the shop for maitenance.. but I still have told myself (in a rather snotty tone) that I don’t have anything really pressing to do tomorrow and that if I take M to daycare tomorrow I’m selfish.

I *think* the problem is that usually enough pressure is heaped onto Thursday with the teaching on Friday.  But without that I’m feeling 1)excited about a long weekend and the idea of doing some crafting or sewing .. and 2) guilt over the tiny thought that maybe tomorrow I could do some crafts.

So either I’ll cave in and not take him to daycare (stupid as I’ve already paid) and not get any of my things done or I will take him in and be sure to work all day, not go to the gym, not get a coffee, not pick up a craft, and try to feel crappy and under pressure all day long.

In short, I’m a weenie.

Firstly, thanks everyone for the nice comments. I really appreciate the thoughts.  I’m sure things will be just fine.  I’m just wishing bodies were more KNOWN. If you know what I mean. (I know you know what I mean.)

Okay, so we have three weeks of classes left (and then it is exam time).  Between end of classes and exams we might try to get down to Vancouver for a visit with teh sisters.  Very cool.

I am really looking forwad to having a bit more time. This has been a busy semester with two new classes and lots of prep. My two summer classes are both ones I’ve taught already, so less prep = yay.

This week we have been invited out for a potluck and I’m hosting my book club on Thursday.  We might be eating weenies with toothpicks at book club. Hey, I’m no freaken martha here, alright?

As for the trip to see the sisters? Lots of plans. Science World, a train museam, might get my hair cut. The part I’ve not told them yet - if the same as last month, that should put us visiting right around when I’m ovulating.

So I might suggest that we stay at Leone’s apartment and she can go stay with julia and jason.  And they can maybe take malcolm with them too?

If I might use this space for a little pity party, the result is not pregnant.

it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

So did you know that it doesn’t matter how long your past cycle was.. the determining factor is the day of ovulation.  Once that happens the cycle will last another 12-16 days all things being equal.  In fact, if the cycle doesn’t last that much longer, it isn’t good because your period will wash away the (maybe) fertilized egg and not give it a chance to implant.

In all, this is good new that I’ve not yet had my period.  But it is depressing news as I thought it meant something that I was 32 days into my cycle without a period (that the no period meant more likely to be pregnant).  I thought I was having one of two symptoms.

Not so much.  I mean, obviously not having my period is one track to the main goal, but it isn’t an indicator at this point.  I am 11 or 12 days past ovulation.  Once I hit FRIDAY of this week I can really start to think this might be something.  SUNDAY of this week would be a very good sign.  Between now and then I can keep peeing on sticks, but it is a bit of a silly thing to do as I get rather bummed.  Me testing last week was just total misunderstanding of how this all works.

BUT FAIR ENOUGH!  I started testing right when a normal person would get her period.  I am now four days past that… and now just figured out I need to wait another three-five days more.

le sigh.

So I’ve been tracking my cycles and since coming back off the pill in September, I’m trending towards a 30 day cycle. We held off trying for beeber #2 for Sept, Oct, Nov as I had a whole lot of teeth stuff going on and it just would have been tough having all those x-rays and whatnot that early in a pregnancy.  So Dec and Jan we were hoping and nothing happened.  Well, aside from a period that was 4 days late and made me cry when it wasn’t a baby in the end.

Then we come to Feb.  I am ready for this whole ‘tracking ovulation’ thing.  We were so lucky with Mal. First month trying. Yipee!  So in Feb dear friend sent me her bag full of ovulation prediction tests so I could see what the sam hill was going on in there.  The standard format (if you want to know): 28 day cycle, ovulate around day 14, give it the 6-12 days to implant, one can start testing a day or two after implatation and get a positive.  This is why some tests say “test up to 4 days before expected period” as Ovulation on cycle day (CD)14, implant 6-8 days later (CD20-22), start making the hormones and they show up on test two days later (CD 24-26), and there we have a positive test up to FOUR days before expected period (remember 28 day cycle).

But that assumes everything is going by that cycle.  REALLY the important stuff is Days Past Ovulation (DPO).  See, until you ovulate, nothing will start happening.  Once you ovulate you have to wait for implanting (sticks to lining in uterus).  That takes 6-12 days after ovulation.  Until that implating takes place, no test will say Yes.

Cut to this month. I’m using the ovulation tests and getting pissed. They are not telling my anything. I assume I’m not ovulating.  I test all through CD 10-18 right around the middle of my cycle.  I even add a bit because of the 30 day cycle thing.  On a whim, I go ahead and keep testing on day 19… because I like peeing on things.

Oh, there’s the positive. Indicating I’ll ovulate a day or two later.  So it seems I ovulate day 20/21 of my cycle. That is edging on late (and all sorts of problems can come up, but let’s worry about that later).  Also a real kick in the pants as Jim was out of town that week.. but we might have been able to get the tail end of the ovulation. *fingers crossed*

Here we are now on CD 30.  If I ovulated on 20/21 I can still have another THREE DAYS before implanting - the tail end of the 6-12.  I might then need another day or two after that for the concentration to be high enough for a positive test.  Today or tomorrow is when I should get my period based on the 30 day trending I’ve been doing.  Still no positive pregnancy test (yeah, I’ve been peeing on them since Wednesday.. that is a whole lot of squinting for lines and seeing pretend positives).  On the upside? Now that I know all this I’m not insane.  Today is two full days past the standard 28 day cycle.  I am still testing negative on pregnancy tests. Can you see how much that could feck with your head?  But I now know this might not be nothing.

This might be something. I hate limbo, but multiple times a day I fear finding out I have my period and I have another 30, 31 days of this before we can hope again.

This whole TRYING to get pregnant is stupid. And sad. And frustrating.  Please notify stork to come around NOW.

So this came up on a mommy board. Someone asked and people talked about the standard “Lassie is in heaven now with the angels” and so on. Any suggestions from you all on a non-heaven option?  I hadn’t thought about this yet, and while my first thought is to just use the “in heaven” or something; I guess when I dig deeper I wonder if I’m being a weenie for co-opting reglious people’s heaven because it is handy (er, to be clear I’m an athiest as my rambling did go on and on there).

I don’t want to seem inconsistent to Mal later on - start talking about heaven and then later let him know I don’t subscribe to that faith.  But I’m also not sure how to talk about an easier understaning of death.  I wonder about the notion of “they went back to nature and have turned into flowers and plants and the earth.”  Is that too composty? Suggestions?

So, taxes. I used to rock the taxes.  But the last few years - well, since getting married and buying a house and all of that.. they’ve boggled me.

Used to be I got my forms, got it done, got my money.

But now, now I have a husband and a dependent.  So we have an accountant.  “There!” you say.  “All better!”

Oh no no no.  Because we also have a rental.  And contract work.  That all means deductions.  And in most people’s worlds deductions are good. But in my world they are bad. They are bad because I can’t keep track of what I need to keep track of. And I used to be so good and the keeping of track.  Now I have a box of STUFF and I think some of it can be deducted and I just can’t seem to deal with it all.  So, I think, just hand in without the deductions. Getting it done trumps not getting it done.  Miss out on that $33 extra you’d get back!

But then the perfectionist (*cough*cheap*cough*) side of me won’t let that happen. That is silly.  But why doesn’t that perfectionist then get the papers all in order if it is so important?

Here let me distract you all from that with pictures!