Preludes And Nocturnes

Hmm, another job interview is on for next week. cool beans. It is 11pm and I’ve had one and a half Vex Hard Cranberry Lemonades which for me means I’m technically drunk. With a Chuck the cat trying to sleep in my lap. All is good!

Happy Almost Canada day! I have a feeling this is my ‘party’ night and tomorrow I’llwatch the fireworks from my house (yay to being one block from the park!) and call it an early night.

Who am I kidding, I’m pretty much calling tonight an early night too. *grin*
Night all,
jenn

Maybe. Ten week contract, two to three days a week at an hourly rate I like (which I’ll just leave at that). All in all it could pay the bills plus a little extra to start socking away for those student loan payments coming up - thank goodness for sharing rent which means the bills are pretty okay.

I’ll let you all know if I got it on tuesday.

In the meanwhile, this site made me cry and laugh. And then cry a bit more.

xoxo
jenn

Doing that thing where I just blog and don’t worry about it being ‘good’ or anything so crazy as all that. Randomness as follows:

• I’ve gotten better at doing less. I think. Have managed a few days of pj’s till noon. Although still trying to workout daily and cook and job hunt.
• Resume is getting there.
• Made note of jobs today. Made note of deadlines. Made note of my pay requirements and had talk with self about not working for under my ‘base’ amount I’ve decided is the graduate degree cut-off.
• Been hanging out with zooey. Brought pizza and Firefly to her house this afternoon. Was all good.
• Made new curtains for bedroom to go under pretty embroidered sheer ones. Pink. Pretty.
• Have been clearing out papers. Who invented papers anyway? God. I have m/c statments coming out the wazoo!
• I think Laura is about to get my dream job. *yay laura!*
• I need to figure out what I will be when I grow up. Zooey mentioned this friend who got a spur of the moment job as the occupational safety girl at this place. We both agreed I would be the BEST occupational safety girl ever. I would have a clipboard with a checklist. I would send people home for not wearing their hardhats. I would be awesome! Someone should give me this job. Please.

There - I managed to blog. I so checking that off my list for today!
xoxo
jenn

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing with myself. I’m at home today. First official day home as I’ve spent all this week getting the paperwork and fiddilng about done at the uni. Is all set and everything is handed in, handed out, and shoved under the mat if nothing else.

I’m somewhat unsure what I’m supposed to be doing now. I’ve been “DONE” since yesterday noon. Yesterday I got an oil change, found some glasses frames, did my overdue banking, did some financial stuff I needed to do at the uni, found the names of a dentist and an optomitrist in town, and started cleaning the house. Today I’ve been cleaning and I went for a walk with cali and ‘little man’. My sister has come over too so we’re kinda hanging out. I know I’m supposed to just relax a bit, but I keep having these horrible guilty feelings like I’m wasting my day and “what the hell am I doing? Why aren’t I doing something?” total guilty-yucky feelings.

And I know this is probably really normal. Okay, normal enough for me. But driving home after going for a walk with cali I kept trying to figure out what I was “DOING” today. I think I need to accomplish something every day or something. So if I were quizzed I could say why I was worthy of existing for this past 24hrs or something. And I’m unsure why going for a walk and then playing on the playground with an 18mos old doesn’t count as what I’ve done today. I’d like to get to a more healthy headspace where that can count in my books. Where spending time with friends and just ‘being’ is a good full day. Maybe this guilt think will take a while to wear off. I mean, hey, it was something I needed to get this thing done (or I gladly would have spent every day hanging out and not researching).

But now I’m tied to some totally unhelpful notion of Progress. What have I done today to make my life somehow closer to something - school, job, money, pay off debt, paint house, clear out clutter, put together presentation. And yeah, this is important and I am a bit of a go!go!go! type.. but I need to be able to take a break too. Although, look at my mother - I’ve come by it honestly.

Right, so my presentation. I thought I wouldn’t use anything. I just wanted to talk. But my supervisor has suggested a power point or at least overhead so people can follow along. I guess that would be a good idea? I dunno. I know it is my decision, but maybe it would be best to have something set up for distraction from staring at me.

*shrug*

Powerpoint or overheads? Powerpoint is kinda fun. And she has said that although I get 20min, to keep it to 10-12 min. I’m right there on that one. Sounds great by me!

Anyhoo, I think I might clean out my home desk and watch buffy with my sister.

And find a job.

And finish my laundry.

… I need that course cali was offering in the last comments.
xoxo
jenn

Okay so I have to share this first off:

I’m sitting at my home desk/desktop computer (which has the internet) while using my laptop at the same time (on the desk) to set up a bunch of scheduling things for this coming week. My laptop has wireless but I’ve not gotten a router thingy for at home yet. Anyhoo, so I’m plugging all these dates and info things into my schedule on my laptop and looking up info online and getting phone numbers and everything all ready for MY NEW LIFE WITHOUT THESIS (ie: finding a job).

I realise I need to pop up a couple weeks on my schedule (laptop) to put in some follow up I’ll need to do next week. I’m moving the mouse and moving it and moving it but the curser isn’t going anywhere. I suddenly realise I’ve been moving my desktop mouse which doesn’t do diddly for my laptop.

*doh*

It is amazing how strong the feeling is that if I LOOK at the other screen, that is what should respond to my mouse movements. Err, I just did it again. Really. I am insane.

In other news, I’m still waiting on my meeting with my supervisor which is fine as I spent the day yesterday going over the thesis one last time. How many times have I said One last time? Too many. Whatever. It is done now. And I have the meeting when I have the meeting - regardless, I’m not looking at it anymore and I’m getting going on other stuff. The woman at the dean’s office looked it over for any corrections needed to format guidelines, but she said it was perfect and she couldn’t find one single error. Whoo! I currently have two title pages - one with the Provoking title as a safety. I’m running around today getting strange things done that have been put on hold forever. Like an oil change for my car. And some stupid financial stuff that needs to get into the bank. And finding a job. Right, I should take a break and all that - but there are things I’ve just left until I was done the thesis. And I think I’d feel better just getting on them right away.

Fact is, I just took one and a half years off from working to get surgery and then get this thesis done. I’d really really feel good bringing in some money now. Or at least knowing I had something lined up (I applied for this four month gov’t contract that starts at the end of July).

Okay, I’m off to become further confused with my laptop’s non-responsiveness to my mouse demands. But first I want to thank everyone for all their moral support throughout this process. I really really mean it. Having this crew on hand to show up and shout Yay! has been such a happy part of all this. Thanks so much everyone! *kisses*
xoxo
jenn

I’m done. Done my conclusion revamp, done my introduction fiddling, done my abstract, done looking over and over and over.

For now.

*wink*

I mean, yeah - I’ll still have to prep for the defense and do the defense and do anything they want after the defense. But it will be finite and contained and close-ended and DONE! And it is all six weeks from now so I won’t give it much thought for right now.

Current title:

How Do You Eat These? ‘With Your Mouth, Asshole’:
First Nations Women’s Literature Challenges and Transforms the Colonial Production of Identity

I have an alternative title ready. Well, kinda. Keep the same ending and replace the first with either Provoking Narratives or Provocative Narratives.

I think I want Provoking.. but I’ve been playing with so many words I can’t keep track what each of them mean. I think Provocative is cool.. but might end up feeling icky when I think about it tomorrow.

Right, did I mention how tired I am?

Tomorrow I take to school, print off two copies, fill out paperwork, hand in to Deans office. Make copies for committee. Run away!

All depending on my supervisor being in tomorrow. I’ve not heard back from her yet. Regardless, it is done. And I’m happy. But tired!

xoxoxo to everyone,
jenn

ohhh, I love it when past grads come up to the office. And there she was. The most negative woman ever created. They type that smiles and laughs as she’s doing it: as she’s making you want to just jump out the window. And as she comes wandering around the corner the first thing she says to me is “ohmygod, you’re STILL HERE??”

hahaha *stabs her with pen* hahaha

When I tell her I’m about to hand in my thesis for defense, she then goes on to talk about how it was the worst experience of her life. When I comment on her baby strapped to her hip (that she pointed out as what she’s “been completing this past year”) she goes on to say how ‘despite thinking this is all you want when you are trying for one, once you get it you realise they are not all fun and games and it isn’t as great as you thought.’ Strange as she actually already has a grown child so this isn’t new turf for her. And strange that a 43 year old woman thought that about babies when my 30-something first-time mom friends have never said they thought having babies would be all fun and games.

When I comment I’m getting married, she makes a face and talks about how horrible that is for a number of reasons.

When I comment on getting a job, she snorts and rolls her eyes and talks about how school was the only time she was happy.

Good god, she was happy then?

I almost just brough up bunnies and puppies and rainbows as random topics to see what she’d say.

As for my ongoing process. Firstly - not going to the school today seems like a good start. At least for today. I’m just working towards Monday when I will meet with my supervisor, fill out some forms, hand in two clean copies to the Deans Office with those forms, and then wait six weeks. My supervisor will appoint an external examiner. In those six weeks I’ll put together my 20-25min presentation and read up on any prep I want to do.

And freya, check out the website and search for “guidelines and formatting for graduate thesis” - there is this 15 page document that goes step by step. Main thing for me is the page numbering for Title page, toc, abstract, acknowledgments, etc…

Oh, and I so very very much want to find a better title. I hate my title. I might run a contest. Anyone with something good that ties in First Nations women’s literature, replying to colonial perspectives on identity, law, legal narratives, resistance, transformation, connecting pieces… do feel free to offer up anything at all. I love dani’s title. I should email dani. Yeah.

Anyhoo, I liked the idea of “‘With Your Mouth Asshole’: First Nations Women’s Literature Responds to the Colonial Production of Identity.” But I don’t know if I’m allowed to say Asshole in a title.

That quote comes from Eden Robinson’s short story Queen of the North where this guy keeps pestering a young woman about “How do I eat these” (fry bread) while really he’s talking about how should he consume her identity as a sexualised Pocahontas myth. Her non-verbal reply is “with your mouth, asshole” - which is perfect here as her reply is not verbalised, but - rather - written. Thus really pulling us back into the power of literature to reply to this situation.

Babble babble.
xoxo
jenn

Hello all,

Okay so I just got my revisions back from the last prof. Err, he had thought it was due back to me on June 19th rather than 9th… But that was all okay as I actually ended up giving him a copy with a bunch of the changes suggested by my other two committee members so I got an edit on my latest copy. I hadn’t input their more ‘contentish’ comments, but I did run through and quickly fix any formatting/grammar/style issues they pointed out.

So now I’m left with a few issues of content, citations, and the like. When I chatted with my final committee member today he said that the version he just read could go to defense as is. Any content comments he’s made are purely suggestions and things I can feel free to add to make it better, but they are not necessary.

*boggles at the concept*

I made him repeat that a few times.

I was like, ‘okay this is good to go right now. to defense. and be done.’

He was like ‘yeah, totally. good job.’

So with that said, I’m going to work on it for the next few days and my goal is to set it free monday. This also means I’ll have to get my table of contents, title page, yadda yadda pissy stuff done too.

Hmm. I think I might just finish this.

I’m off to try and make myself do a few last modifications and get going on the other nit-picking items. Not to mention looking up the requirements for handing in the defense copy to the dean’s office. Weird stuff like it has to be printed in a certain way and then shrink wrapped by copy services - but not on acid free paper (like the final “to be bound” copy will have to be).

xoxox
jenn

Tagged by Liz. Is books. Is good.

Number of books I own:

I have no IDEA whatsoever. But I think I actually have less than I’ve had in the past due to many moves over the past five years and trying to downsize of late. But there is almost an entire room of books of mine at the parents’ place… and my books at the school… and my books in nyc and at home bedroom and home living room and home storage boxes in the basement. I dunno, 20?

Okay, something between 400 and 1000?

The last book I bought:

Ohh, I really like this book. It is called Jane Sexes it Up: True Confessions of Feminist Desire edited by Merri Lisa Johnson. From the back cover “from masturbation and pornography to stripping and prostitution. In this much-needed discussion on feminism and sex, the contributors reveal the rough edges of their individual experiences to expose the struggles women have when the messiness of sexuality is put under a feminist lens.”

The last book I read:

Pretty much read on the very long trip from Vancouver to NYC, the last book I read was Ann-Marie MacDonald’s Fall On You Knees (not to be confused in any way with the topic of the book above). An amazing novel, a beautiful novel. I mean it, if you’ve not read her work GO READ IT NOW!

Five books that mean a lot to me:

Hmmm, this always seems to shift depending on my mood and my memory. Like trying to pick out my favorite songs or singers or albums… I think I’ve got it down and then someone puts on Lion and the Cobra and I’m like ‘ohhh, this is my favorite album ever!’

With that said…
The Lions of Al-Rassan by Guy Gavriel Kay.
The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley.
Elfquest Books 1-4 by Richard and Wendy Pini.
Monkey Beach by Eden Robinson. Okay, this one has to be rather important as it actually became the focus of my thesis.
A Bunch of other books about feminism and people and how we all form relationships and theory and class and poverty and oppression and strategies and hope and love and family and other stuff.

I’m not tagging people any more. If you’d like to do this meme, please do!

A very funny, very wonderful woman named Karma died this past weekend (I knew from the WD -that online place where I met Jim and met many other wonderful people). This has left me very confused and emotionally exhausted. She was 32 and was pregnant with her second baby. Her first son is 19 months old. Her unborn baby died on friday and she passed away on saturday. There are interactions that stand out to me now. I remember her love of Little House on the Prarie, her wicked humour, and the post where I was asking people about getting a puppy and her reply was:

Ooo! Puppies! Yes! Squeal! *pop*

It just made me laugh. She made me laugh.

And now I’m totally in shock. It is something about her just going along in life about to have her second baby and being all excited and married and … and we just think we’re living life and having all these day to day worries and hang-ups and not thinking about 32yr old women suddenly not being here. And I feel so bad for her husband and her little boy. The WD is taking a collection towards her son’s college fund rather than flowers.

And then a week before this another man I knew from the uni passed away suddenly. I had just seen him before leaving for nyc. He had a heart attack. No warning, nothing. I’m back home today and very aware of how he won’t be up at the school and how his partner must be feeling and what a loss this is to everyone. He did such amazing work and really cared about his community and First Nations and children. And he’s gone too.

And finally, my mom called me in nyc to say that Eugene - my childhood kitty - died. He was certainly getting older and everything. But being home today and cuddling with Chuck made me think of Eugene and what a damn fine kitty he was.

So I’m home, and I’m jet-lagged, and I’m missing Jim like all-get-out, and I’ve got work to do at the uni, and Coral went and bought “jenn” groceries for when I got home so there is soy milk and fruit and veggie and fish. She’s a good roommate! And Chuck has been on me all morning. He’s been driving his kitty nose into my neck rubbing my face with his head, and drooling like crazy. I’m a big huge allergic reaction disguised as a person right now. But I love it and I’ve missed his little nugget head. I’m going to try to not go up to the uni for a few days. If my other comments are in, I may run up and grab them and bring them back down. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get up there for a while. So I’m home and I’m doing pretty good, all things considered. It has just been a bit of a strange time, is all.

xoxo to all,
jenn