Preludes And Nocturnes

Very very nice Christmas was had! Whole family, lots of food and pressies and games. Very very good!

So now I’m in Vancouver. Julia, Jason and I drove down yesterday. I drove the whole way and, therefore, had driving dreams all night long. Which then warped into strange helicopter dreams. Anyhoo, we got down to Van yesterday afternoon and took it easy for the rest of the day. Now Julia’s headed off to work and I’m kinda looking around going “okay.. okay… it is time to go yet??”

I fly off for NYC tonight at 10:45pm. I’ll arrive in Newark tomorrow morning. I have today to deal with in the meanwhile.

So I totally lucked out and my one good friend Heather is in town and not working today. Yay! Gah, I mean I just called her up last night and said “hey, one day only: me!” and I’m so glad she stayed home this year! She’s going to pick me up at 10:30am and we’re going to toodle about and have some lunch (hmm, do you think I”ll push for sushi?), and I’ll try and find a new shoulder bag as I really do need one for a carry-on slash school bag. One of those soft sort briefcase deals.

So looking to have a nice day and not check my watch every half an hour
Hope everyone is having a good holiday season and many many snuggles to all!

xoxo
jenn

So I’m here at mom and dad’s and I’ve managed to workout everyday since arriving. Not so much a ‘whoohoo me’ as a ‘thank god this might hold off the rapid ass expansion’ *doh*

Why does it suddenly become a sin to offer up any meal without a sugar coma worth of sweets along side? My mom keeps asking why I’m not going out more and it is because at least at home I can keep myself sane. I mean, I don’t set up each meal with a full PLATTER of treats - unlike everywhere else I’ve gone in the last week. *sigh* Not that I’m really complaining all that much. Okay, it looks like I am - but it is with a bit of a grin and rolling of the eyes. And truthfully I’ve stayed in a bit more this vacation because I’m actually making it a vacation and not worrying about trying to fit in fifty visits with other over-stressed friends. I saw everyone at thanksgiving and I’ll see them in the spring. But this time of the year I stick to a couple close friends and my family.

And as for the sweets - I’ve just worked freaken hard to get this weight off and *starts eye-balling the butter tarts on the counter*.. um, and I am not going to just sit by and.. *leans over to nibble a chocolate out of the pile by the christmas tree*

You know, some eggnog would be just perfect with all this…

*Jenn is found christmas morning under the tree with empty chocolate boxes cradled in her arms and a big smile on her face. *









Yeah, I think I can fit another workout in before bed…

So I leave tomorrow. I started packing last night. I’m trying to pack for about three months away from home, my thesis work, and Christmas. You’d think by now packing would be a breeze. Nope. I fret.

I hold up my new pink blouse and think “this is new, I should take it.. but I don’t know I’ll wear it. But it is new. What if I get there and suddenly think - ahh, why don’t I have that pink blouse with me??”

But my main concern is leaving things, I think. I like my things. I don’t actually have all that much - but I really like having it with me. And the real kicker is that my basic clothes are not the issue. I currently have my “max” packed (and then I go back and remove things as I see fit) and it isn’t even half the suitcase. What ends up filling up the space is things like my runners and workout clothes, my nice shoes, my casual shoes, my sweater, and my school stuff. And quite frankly, I know that I’ll be really glad to have my diskman there and my runners - well, my ass will certainly appreciate all that!

So yeah, other than that I’ve just got to get some stuff finished up at the uni. I need to get some things photocopied - but you know, more and more I’m just thinking that I actually have all the quotes I need. What I must do now is actually just write all that I must around the quotes and so I may not actually photocopy all that much. I think it is there, and the photocopy urge is more about trying to cover all my bases and keep my busy with ‘outside’ work - rather than really worrying about getting the ‘inside’ part done. You know, the part where I actually figure out what I’m saying about it all….

*doh*

So I’m home for a bit finishing up making some gifts. To the uni to return the bulk of my books, photocopy one or two key things, bring ONE BINDER of info with me, my primary sources, my chapter printouts, my disks. Oh, and my stinky workout clothes. Wouldn’t do to leave those up there for three months *ick*

Then I’m off to meet with some friends for goodbye coffee, and tonight Coral, Leone and I are doing our own Christmas. Tomorrow Coral’s driving us to the airport at the ungodly hour of 6am and then we’re off to see mom and dad. What is rather nice is that once I’m there I no longer need to worry about what I’ve packed or not packed. Very good.

So today I’ll get done whatever I get done, and regardless the plane leaves at 7:20am tomorrow!
XoXo
jenn

I had a horrid sleep last night. I have very very vivid dreams. Loud, bright, long, and with heavy emotional content. So last night was a double feature. First off I had this dream that I had to marry this guy I didn’t know and I couldn’t find Jim anywhere. I was being all polite because I was already in the dress and everything - but I didn’t know this guy. All these people were around me that I “knew” and they were telling me I had to get married, so I was rather confused. And this guy, I didn’t know him from a can of corn. I remember at one point looking at all the guys in tuxes and thinking “it can’t be good to marry a guy you couldn’t pick out in a crowd.”

He was a total redneck too. Very nice, but drove a pick-up and had that ‘beer drinker’ look about him. Made it clear he didn’t want to talk about feminism or anything like that. Told me I had to change my name. And I just wanted to find a way to figure out what was happening and where Jim was. Things just kept progressing without my input and I had to just keep going along with it all. At the end of my dream I just kept thinking “but I can’t get married again unless it is IT. I’ve been married once already and being TWICE divorced is just too much! I’ll end up like Ross off friends.”

And my old standard favorite *rolleyes* - I have those panic dreams where I have to pack all my stuff because I know something bad is about to happen. Sometimes it is a whole house I have to pack, sometimes just specific things. I’ve had times where I know a tornado is coming and I have to pack my grandparents’ house. I’ve had ones where there is a bomb in the house and it will go off in two hours so whatever I can get out in that time will be saved, and ones where there is a flood coming and I also have to calculate how long it will take to drive the car to safety. I can only take as much as I can fit in the car and we have to somehow ‘camp’ with the food and blankets and whatnot for weeks so I’m trying to figure that all out as well. And usually for some reason nobody else can understand what I’m saying so they don’t know what I’m trying to do, and I have to just do it myself while trying to explain so I can get help. Last night was a new one. Terrorists were coming to take my family’s home and we had till the night to get everything out that we’d get to keep. I only had two suitcases so I spent what seemed to be hours and hours trying to pack the most important things. The terrorists had machine guns and were coming back.

Needless to say I woke up feeling more tired that rested. It was about 4:30am and I didn’t want to go back to sleep - and not that these dreams are the regular nightmares, just that I feel so emotionally drained by the time I wake up I just want to have a little cry. They seem so vivid and emotionally taxing at the time.

I will go to bed tonight and work on ‘chatting’ with my subconscious about some nice relaxing dreams we could maybe go for tonight, yes?

*yawn*

Goodnight all,
xoxo
jenn

Well I’ve made a decision to nix the January 4th “Rough Draft to Committee” deadline. I’ve got just over a week until I leave for home and I have some big pieces still to finish. As my supervisor has stressed, though, I’ve sure done a heck of a lot these past 8 months and as many wise friends have pointed out, it is important to keep as close track on what I’ve accomplished as that which I still have to do.

But why is that so hard? Why is it so much more natural to just keep listing off all that I have left to do and not give myself any credit for all I’ve done these past 8 months?

I want to keep telling people I’m almost done because I want them to know how hard I’m working. But I also am very aware of my fear around being ‘dishonest’ to friends, family, and myself. I keep stressing how much there still is to do because I don’t want people to think I’m being lazy or taking a stupid amount of time or something weird like that.

And I totally recognize this can be linked to those two years of “working” in an ineffective relationship with my past supervisor. Where for two years I kept saying I was working on my thesis because I didn’t know what else to call it. And then to feel like I had been misleading people. And you know what? Nobody really keeps track in the same way I do - I’m actually the only one really ‘worried’ about all this stuff in a negative manner.

So with that all said, what have I accomplished in the past eight months:

• Outline and one page summary of entire thesis
• Outlines of each chapter
• Chapter Two - 30 pgs written and one round of revisions finished
• Chapter Three - 20 pgs written and one round of revisions
• Chapter Four - 25 pgs written and one round of revisions
• Chapter Five - almost complete with 20 pgs written
• Conclusion - sketched 5pgs
• Introduction - sketched 8 pgs
• Chapter One - sketched 15 pages
• Works Cited - almost complete

So I’m taking a break to enjoy Christmas and my family and have a visit with Jim. I don’t want to spend the Christmas holiday feeling guilty for every minute I spend doing something other than my thesis. I want to have the space to finish my Christmas shopping, visit with some friends before I leave, and not feel like a stress basket.

I will continue working on those last pieces and have them done before returning from NYC at the end of February. I had really wanted to wait to take a break after the entire rough draft was done and handed it, but I need to acknowledge that my brain and my gut and my body needs that break right now. I’ve pretty much worked right through from September with the hopes of defending by April 1. But I am not going to ‘finish’ next term. And ooh, look - they sky is not falling in on me *wink*. I will keep working and I will have my thesis written and revised by the end of term. I will only need to use the spring/summer semester to wait on the Graduate Office paperwork and then my defense.

Boy motivation is a tough balance. I want to keep the pressure on and sometimes cannot understand people talking about how hard I am on myself. How I work too hard. How I need to cut myself some slack. Deep down inside I feel like there are two years where I kept cutting myself some slack and that meant I never actually got a single chapter written. I don’t know how to separate that out from my own ‘work ethic’ or some silly term like that. But as Jim and others keep pointing out - I’ve written and I’ve progressed like I never had before. I will finish. And, again, nobody is judging me as harshly as I am. So yeah, I’m cutting myself some slack and taking Christmas off.

Please all reassure me about this decision, as I feed off positive external praise *grin*

xoxo to all,

Jenn

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*sigh*

Try to log onto Grad Terminal as working from home today (to max out kitten snuggles while working).

Have done this a number of times. Even from NYC! Technology is cool.

Log-in not working. Unable to access my student drive with, oh I dunno, my thesis on it. Somewhat need thesis to then work on thesis.

Try a number of things. Able to access undergrad server via the “tss” (but am not undergrad so this just proves I’m getting desperate to achieve something - anything). To access Grad terminal need to use “gsts” - this is what we do. This is what I’ve done. This is what it says on the page.

Finally decide to phone uni computer “help desk” - must use quotes around “help desk” and we all know why.

Get bumped to four, yes four, different people. The uni is not that big. Not a good sign. Waiting for them to say something like “What, grad student working from home? That goes against our policy of some sort, so we’ve just deleted your accounts and your entire thesis.” I get a little paranoid at times.

Get final dude. He is confusing. I am very very verrrrry clear. Went to Remote access page, followed directions on page and on the instructional sheet I have from the uni, entered “gsts.myuni.ca” (note: my uni is not actually called “my uni” but you get the idea).

He states “no, use sts not gsts”

okay.

it works! I don’t care why! Yay!

Hmm, I’m a helpful girl. This must be frustrating for other grads - especially on a weekend who can’t call help desk (my problem is solved, they don’t need the quotation marks now).

Helpful me: “I’m just going to let you know that maybe someone would want to alter the instructions on the Remote Access page. They never say anything about sts, they just list the “gsts” option which doesn’t seem to work.

Desk help dude: “yeah, you could use gsts too”

Me: “ermm, well… the gsts hasn’t worked for me and you just said to use sts…”

Desk help dude: “yeah, use sts. What is your name. I’ll phone you back because the sts isn’t working”

Me: “No! I’m logged on! I’m happy! I just wanted to let you know the instructions on the Access page are saying to use gsts! Don’t FIX anything on my account!!”

“Desk help” dude (the quotes are back): “no, use sts. Why are you using gsts?”

Me: “because that is what all the instructions say to do!!! They state outright: Grad Students Access via gsts. I just though someone might like to look at the page and change the instructions!”

“Desk help” dude: “what access page are you talking about? Are you a current grad student? Where are you phoning from?”

Me: Aaaahhh I have to go. Thank you! Bye!

*runs away*